waterworks.
toy dolls.
goosebumps.
peter piper.
payday.
life.
trapped.
despondency.
vicious cycles go round and round like so many wheels turning shifting changing.
when will someone cut the lifeline? tell me now or watch me fall
and i was supposed to have friends
growing up
in connecticut.
that’s what the storybooks
and the cartoons
and the made for tv disney movies
say.
kids have best friends
lifelong friends.
friendships that last the four years
that you’ve been in school.
known them your whole life
and not exaggerating.
kids build forts
in the woods down the street
to run away to
when your parents won’t let you stay out
past eight.
kids break stuff
and get in trouble together
and getting in trouble is ok
as long as you’re in it together.
kids have sleepovers
campouts
birthday parties.
i was alone
on weekends
tagging along with my sister and her friends.
“You can go if you bring your sister”
the frustration
and anger
and threat
in my sister’s eyes
after my mother turns her back.
i was alone
on summer break
playing nintendo
wishing for summer camp
for forts in the woods
for a birthday party at the beach
with someone my age
not my mom’s friends.
i was alone
at recess
always walking along
that same strip of curb
back and forth
to and fro
testing my balance.
once i fell
on purpose
and i scraped my knee.
and i was supposed to have friends
growing up
in bristol.
i was supposed to have friends
but i was too quiet
my socks days old
and my soul
too big
to bear.
